Monday, April 19, 2010

That day in the rain...

    This is yet another work of fiction from the time when i dabbled in storywriting :) Read on..
    I was just planning to get out of the house, when it started raining heavy..The tiny blue umbrella in my hand looked like an unworthy combat for the rain outside.Normally,on any other day,I would have loved the rains.Nothing could beat the bliss that I felt as I sat by the window,sometimes with a cup of coffee and a book,sometimes with tears in my eyes and sometimes with wet hair having just got out of the shower,but always,with a smile on my face, watching the rain hit the window panes.I would sit there for hours,watching the new drops of rain that hit the glass, making a game out of guessing which drop would flow down first and merge with another drop on it's way, making a tiny stream of it's own and then gathering up at the bottom of the window into a tiny pool and then trickling down the wall and into the garden mud,sending out a strange,alluring fragrance that merged into my being as I drew a deep breath to draw it all in.The scent of the first rains!
     But today was different.Today was so special all by itself, that it did not need the rains to add any further beauty to it.Today,was the day that I had spent sleepless nights over,thinking and re-thinking how I could make it more perfect.."More perfect" is an oxymoron..But for me, it was a possibility.For a day that had been so eagerly awaited, no happiness could be impossible.As I stood in the verandah waiting for the rain to stop,I realised that,even if the rain stopped,I could not save my sari from getting ruined.The moment I step my foot down,the muddy waters would splash all over my sari ruining the hems and staining the sari.The drizzle would dampen my hair and make it stick to my scalp.I could not even try to imagine what I would do with my new pair of matching footwear!And to think that I spent an entire day shopping for all this, so that I could look my best on this special day...With a long face, I settled down into the bamboo chair in the verandah and closed my eyes.The moment I did that,a tiny stream of tears ran down from the sides of my eyes and trickled down my cheeks,one stream drying half way through and the other trickling further down onto my neck..I was ashamed of myself.I was the same woman, who, when life threw the toughest of challenges, took it upon myself to face them all alone without a tear.But here I was,disappointed that it rained at a time when I wanted to walk straight in the sunshine and enjoy what I had strived so hard for...Anyway,I just decided,as I shamefully wiped the last tear out of my face, that I would not cry anymore.Nor would I got out in the rain and let two hours of dressing up go down the drain.Shopping for clothes and accessories is hard work.Especially for someone like me whose sense of fashion is not really great.I would not let all that go waste.I decided to stay put where I was and wait until the rain stopped.
     Closing my eyes shuts me off from the real world.Not always.But sometimes.At times when I am very happy,the best way of handling it,the way that works for me,is by closing my eyes.So I closed my eyes,and thought of the day when the strife that was about to end today,began.I remember how I fought with the entire household for him.I refused to eat and drink until the entire family agreed to what I had to say.After all, I could not afford to let him down.The day I decided to fight for him,I knew I had a tough path ahead.As a member of a joint family,it was important for me to convince all the members of the family.It was no easy job.And I could not be sure what our future would be like.I had no idea myself.Infact,getting myself to talk to the family itself demanded a lot of thought and introspection from my side.Only when I was convinced that I was ready for the end results,did I garner enough courage to open up.I still remember,as if it was yesterday,how the elders of the family called me a fool and asked me to revisit my decisions a million times.I was adamant. I expressed my firm decision that I was not ready to go back on my word.There was silence in the house.The only noise that could be heard was that of the great swing in the hall creaking under the weight of the people who sad grim-faced on it.The grandfather clock in the house went clicking by.No one said a word.The silence was killing me.That night I refused to eat.No one bothered.The next morning,with a broken heart, I saw him board the first train at dawn.I was alone at the railway station.I was weak,I needed support,I needed someone to hold me and tell me that everything would be alright soon.But there was no one.I was left all alone.
     I woke up with a start as the first rays of the evening sun hit my face.The rain had stopped.Half an hour had passed since I fell into this reverie.I looked at my wrist watch.I still had an hour.In my excitement to meet him,I had gotten ready two hours in advance..Standing up and straightening the creases on my well starched sari, I got of the gate and walked to the auto stand.I got into the auto and began the countdown.My heartbeat was racing up,I could not help smiling,I kept staring out of the window.Everything I saw made me happy.So lost was I, in my happiness,that until the autowallah shouted "Madam,Station!" I did not realise that we had reached. I paid him in a hurry and got out.
      I could only imagine how happy he would be to see me in this sari.This was his gift.I wanted to look my best.I wanted to see him happy.I just wanted to hug him and forget the world and it's pains.As I walked down the footbridge,I saw him in the distance.I had grown so used to him,that I could recognise him from behind even from a distance.He was a part of my instincts! I smiled and quickened my pace.He turned back and saw me too.He picked up his bag and started running towards me..All the way,grinning from ear to ear and watching me without batting an eyelid.At last the moment was here...He threw himself into my arms,hugged me tight and said "I have missed you so much amma"...
       I again went back to that day at the same station when he had hugged me just the same way and said almost the same words "I will miss you amma".I had cried then.I cried now too.But they were tears of happiness.The happiness of seeing a son walking back alive into my arms from the enemy line.The happiness of having had the courage to fight against my family for letting my son follow his dreams.The happiness of having the will power to send my son back to a place where I had lost my husband.The happiness of being alive to watch this day.It was all about happiness.And as I drowned myself in his warm hug, I wished with all my heart,that this moment would last forever....Forever...

Friday, April 16, 2010

Insurance...The "dead" investment !!

     January and June. I dread these two months! If you are thinking on the lines of weather, you are wrong. January and June are the two months when I have to pay up my Life Insurance Premium K Huge-ass premium!Life insurance is a funny thing.Seriously funny. Imagine having to stash up most of your earnings into something that YOU will never get to enjoy! When my insurance agent coaxed me into buying this policy, I was only thinking about tax evation. Yeah right! Like I know all about tax :p I am the kind for whom filing the tax return every year is an event that is dreaded. I wait for the last moment to fill it up. Only when I run out of the choice to wait, do I drag myself to get it done with. And with such vengeance and hatred, and with such a dreadful frown on my face, that people who happen to see my angry, frustrated face at the Income Tax counter, generally avoid me. I look capable of committing a murder right away!
      So I thought this insurance policy thingy would help me escape coughing up too much tax and thought I should go for it. The guy, the insurance agent,who happens to be my mother’s student’s brother at college, narrated his woes in such a convincing Bollywood-mother ishytle rona-dona, that I thought , “Ok!Screw it, I am going for this policy”. While he happily slurped coffee, making weird rocket-launch noises each time he took the cup to his mouth, I sat there with a demure expression, looking like a matriarch who is signing off all her khaandani property as a donation to some charity organization. Come to think of it, this is exactly what the insurance policy has done to me.
      Half the world, my world that is, knows by now, that I don’t save up. I own a piggy bank (Yes I do) and it is half full and has been that way for more than  a year now. So you can imagine my plight when my LIC Jeevan Anand envelope lands at my home every six months. Why I opted for a premium that made me look like an Ambani descendant is still a mystery I am trying to figure out! I will restrain from quoting the amount here. For two reasons. The younger lot will think I am a fool to have gone for such a huge premium. And the older lot( the kind who make the BIG bucks)will look at the amount and laugh and say “ This is peanuts!”.
       Now, the LIC ads on TV are so laden with emotion and are so heart-wrenchingly made.Especially the old one which shows the scene where Mrs. Khanna gets her daughter married off with her husband’s insurance money, is emotional and informative and enlightening and awakening and all that…But that was Mrs.Khanna for God’s sake! Her husband paid for it. What was the logic behind my insurance policy again? I remember the insurance guy telling me that by the time I am 40, I can go on a world tour, live in the best high-end hotels , eat at all the fancy restaurants and still manage to come back home with enough money to help me sail through my 40s and mid-50s. Oh yeah, all that is right! It makes sense. I can do all that..of course! But what he forgot to mention is that I would have to work my ass off till I was 40, do the world tour with whatever my generous husband (if any) offers to spend, come back home and work my ass off again to make sure I don’t have to live on the streets…Mid-50s did he say? I wonder if any husband worth his salt will keep a woman who tours the world with his money under his roof ever again ( I would not, if I were the husband!). Even if he does, he will repent it. Because, mid 50-s is when women will need the big bucks ( for Botox treatment..teeeeheeeheehee :P)
     So this policy matures when I am 40 something. And if my children happen to take after me by any chance, I can give it in writing that they will sniff the cash from miles away! And if the genetics work right, they can even be clever enough to coax me into handing it over to them on a silver platter. If they have my sense of humour as well, they will even call a photographer to click this event. And if they happen to be as crazy as me, they may even frame the photograph and put it up on the living room hall, write “To Mama, with love” under it, and make it look like they are presenting me that amount as a retirement gift. K
       So dearies, here I am, wondering how to hoard money to pay up my premiums, so that I can ensure I have some cash on me in my 40s (hopefully I will make it there!),just so that my children can afford the luxury of putting up a gold-gilded photo of my fake-retirement gift. Have you ever heard of a yet-to-be-married-forget-being-a-mother who can do such a big sacrifice, just so that her children can live their wicked fantasies?! I beat the LIC-ad-ka-Mrs.Khanna, hands down…Any day!
       I am happy I wrote this. Next time someone asks me , what the hell I was thinking when I opted to pay up this huge premium for my LIC Jeevan Anand policy, I know exactly what to say “Ek 40+ something aurat, ek patni, aur ek maa hone ka kasht, aap kya jaanenge Suresh Babu!” Bwhhahhaaha!
      There is no one who can survive a Bollywood-mummy-type crying episode. Where is my insurance agent? He thinks he is the only one who can put on the Bolly-mummy avatar?! Bring him here! (I have to hunt him down anyway, save me the trouble!)Two more months before I start pinching around to pay my premium! K Keep me in your prayers people! And pray for a rain of cash on me ;)

Monday, April 12, 2010

The latest Indo-Pak Alliance : Sania the silly girl weds Shoaib the stupid boy

    I have been literally holding myself back from writing about the Sania-Shoaib fiasco. But considering the fact that I once had the hots for Shoaib ( I was in high school when he debuted ), I owe him a post. So inspite of being well aware of the fact that this post is gonna be about the most beaten to death subject in this part of the world, I will still write. There is just way too much drama happening in it, so there is always a little something for everyone to write/talk about ;)
     It’s all over the papers, the television and the 24hr news channels are having a ball of a time showing zoom-ins of Sania standing in the balcony of her villa with Shoaib. What’s so great about it I wonder! Some Islamic body has slapped a fatwa on the couple for being un-Islamic and living together before being married! Duhh…What did they expect? That they would live apart and see each other only on the wedding day? That is Allu Arjun’s way of doing it buddy ( remember Varudu?). Our Miss Sania Mirza has created enough news to last her a lifetime. Just a few years back, the only news I heard about Sania was her tennis. Now it’s all about her “court”-ship! But seriously..Engaged to two hunks in a year?! Wow! No wonder the rest of us are facing a real dearth and wondering where all the good men are! K Talking about good men, this guy Shoaib is a “chupa rustum”. God! I wish he had brains that were as good as his face. But what a dodo he turned out to be! Peanut-sized brain K He says he married a girl over the phone, he says he fell in love with one girl and married another. He says he was tricked into marrying someone he had never seen. Even if all this were true, I wish he had come up with a story that would make him look smarter! I mean, seriously, what was he thinking! After all this rigmarole, this guy Shoiab has come out looking like a total idiot! But a lucky idiot I must say…He atleast gets to walk off with Sania in tow.
      I always thought Sania was a wicked smart girl. But going by what she is doing now, it looks like she is not-so-smart after all! If I were in her shoes, I would dump Shoaib right away. Not because he was married earlier, but because the guy is one good-looking fool! Getting married to an idiot is surely convenient (wink,wink), but this fellow just takes idiocy to a totally different level! He looks every bit like the love-lorn, moronic Bollywood hero from C-grade movies. If you ask me, this guy is gonna have a real tough time handling the feisty Miss Mirza, who btw, at present, is yet another lost-in-love woman who has chosen to turn a blind-eye to all the news about her fiancĂ©. Good for her I guess. But someday, all this high-energy, lovey-dovey,madly-in-love phase is gonna end and Shoaib the lover-boy will go back to being Shoaib the idiot who marries people over the phone. But try telling that to a woman in love..Impossible to convince!
      Out of this entire fiasco, both Sania and Shoaib have gained enough footage. No publicity is bad publicity! As long as you are in the public eye, do not bother if the reasons are good or bad. Just bask in all the attention. But one person who they say got a raw deal out of this whole drama is Ayesha Siddiqui. The poor lady is now  being written about as an overweight, not-good-looking, affluent but unlucky ex-wife of Shoaib. But frankly, I think she is one helluva woman. Whatever her tricks were, they sure did work! And she sure is lucky too. She got rid of an idiot remember?  Not many people would agree with me, but I think Shoaib is lying. Something about his story is just not right.
    Through all this murk, one person who has maintained a dignified silence is Sania’s ex, the guy she got engaged to earlier. If he were to join the bandwagon too, I swear, this story would be too masala-dar for any Bollywood director to resist. I can almost see Madhur Bhandarkar scribbling away a script and running around for a heroine. He can call it "Dil toh baccha hain ji" ;) Yep! When you run out of titles, just steal it from the songs :-D Anyway, since the wedding will be all said and done in a week from now, let's just hope this is the last one for Shoaib.They say, marriage is a three ring circus : Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering Looks like poor Shoaib has already ended up with the third ring :-|
   So yeah, with that, I officially announce my resignation from the Shoaib Malik female fans club with immediate effect. Now don’t give me that “ what difference does a cricketer’s personal life make to you” blah blah lecture. I did not like the guy for his cricket. I liked him for his looks. Sure yeah, he still looks the same. It’s just that, each time I think of him now, I picture him sitting in a local Sialkot STD/ISD booth, smiling and saying “ Khabool hain” into  the phone. Not my picture of a hottie who deserves attention! ;)
    That reminds me of the other Shoaib. The Shoiab Akhtar! Oh man, seriously, there is SOMETHING about bad guys. They are absolute chick magnets. Ask Salman Khan and he will tell you what I mean. I just love this angry, aggressive, brooding Shoaib Akhtar :-D What a pleasure to watch him on the field, making faces and shouting out at all the boys…And all the bans and stuff make him all the more wicked ;) More of Shoaib Akhtar please! An angry guy is better than a stupid one ;-)



Friday, April 9, 2010

Funniest one liner - Padmashri Saif Ali Khan!



       Hey people, guess what?!  Rakhi  Sawant is being honored with the “ Ordre du Canada” ( Order of Canada), one of the highest Civilian awards in Canada for choosing a Canadian citizen as her hubby-boy! How cool is that. Considering the fact that they never made it to the altar, I was expecting that poor Rakhi would not receive this award, but the Canadian Government is so mighty impressed with the graceful manner in which he handled the break-up, that they were double-sure that Rakhi was the most deserving candidate for this honor.
    Yeah, more than half of you must have believed the stuff that you just read. Right?  Not your mistake guys, not your mistake. Btw, that news was totally made up by me.. But at some level, it did sound believable yeah? When we are living in a time when the boyfriend of a size zero heroine gets the fourth highest Civilian award for his contribution to Indian Cinema and when the US President gets honored with a Nobel Prize for Peace in anticipation of all the great work that he “might” do in the future, it would not be totally unfair to honor the very graceful Miss.Rakhi with the Order du Canada ;)
  We live in a world where show business runs like no other business. If you can just manage to “show” the world, stay in the news, create a ripple now and then and stay in the good books of the press, rest assured, you can be sure the world will sit up and watch. You just need to be loud, outgoing, immodest and entertaining. And yes, an illustrious lineage helps!
      At some wildest level of imagination, in the farthest degree of optimistic exaggeration, and considering the kinda mess his predecessor Bush created, maybe, just maybe, the guys who picked up Obama for the Nobel Peace Prize felt that he was a breath of fresh air and just in the way you would simply gulp down a dirty glass of water in a scorching desert, Obama’s activities as President may have given the Nobel guys some much needed hope and some hot brownie points to show to the world. That still does not justify giving him an honor that eluded even the very deserving Mahatma Gandhi. But frankly I don’t attach much value to any news that has something to do with the White House. For two reasons. One, it rarely makes sense, though it does create a lot of sensation! Two, Bush was such a joker, that now, for me, the White House is one huge circus. You just watch, shout “ Oh look!!” and clap your hands. Any reaction more than that is utter waste! So when the whole world was caught up in “Obamania” and the Nobel Peace Prize happened, I just gave it my trademark smirk, shook my head and walked off.
     But, but, but….Desi news does not deserve the same treatment! At least not from me. I LOVE desi news. And especially when it’s Bollywood, I just don’t let it go unnoticed! I am in awe of Bollywood and it’s ability to churn up non-sense on such a consistent basis. Seriously, if there is a Guinness Book of World Records entry for creating non-sense, Bollywood will win hands down. Forget the movies, there is so much happening in the REAL life of our Bollywood demigods, that even the steamiest scene in a Bollywood drama cannot distract you from the REAL drama.Our very own Chota Nawab, father of two little children and the boyfriend of a girl almost the same size as his kids, is now the proud recipient of the fourth highest civilian award in the entire nation. And the very well behaved Chota Nawab is so happy with the news that, he has been giving out innumerous press statements telling the world how much this award means to him and how proud his lady love is! Seriously, if I were in his shoes, I would die of humiliation and embarrassment :-P I mean, how do you explain this to someone who asks “ So hey buddy, what do did you do to get this?”
      Maybe I am just imagining it, but when I saw the pics of the Chota Nawab bending down halfway and receiving the award at Rashtrapati Bhavan he almost looked like he felt guilty ;) Just like I would, if someone called me up to receive an award for the Best Bollywood Debutante ;)Ok, let’s be a little fair to poor Saifu baccha Khan. So Sharmila Tagore is a direct descendant of  Rabindranath Tagore, Tiger Pataudi is from a Nawab Khaandaan and some sleepy National Awards jury gave Saifu Boy a National Award for his acting. Plus, there is the bubbly Kareena as his arm candy. And someone just got up and decided that obviously makes him a Padmashree..Wow!Padmashree Saif Ali Khan..damn that sounds almost as good as Bollywood ka baadshah Kamaal Khan ( yeah the Deshdrohi guy!) .
       If this award is for Saifu’s acting, rofl,seriously,it makes it all the more embarrassing. We have seen what he does! The guy speaks through his nose, his histrionics are fits-inducing,his dance looks like he just got electrocuted and his comic timing and his sense of humour are all a total rip-off of our own Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. The guy cant act for his life! Agreed, Dil Chahta Hai was nice. That’s cos he had to act dumb in it ( which he is already, so he just had to be himself). The rest of his movies are all so-so. But yeah, I will give him 2 points for his beefed up body though..I think poor boy actually worked on it.
     Saif has given all the losers, new found hope.One of my friends even contacted the Pataudis to check if they were adopting. They wanted to know the reason. My friend told them he wanted a Bharat Ratna. The Pataudis understood the state of the poor boy and are now in talks with his lawyer to seal the deal. So maybe two years down the line, you will have Bharat Ratna Pappu Maharaj from UP :-|
        Everything is now falling into place. If you scroll down and check my older blog, you will see that I always get a recurring dream of being at the Oscars. I think that is  gonna be true very soon. Someone might just call me up and say I have just won an Oscar for Best Actress in anticipation of all the good acting that I will do when I quit my job, join an acting school, go join a gym, enroll for a makeover session, get adopted by the Angelina Jolie, clinch a deal in Hollywood, win a Golden Globe and finally make it to the nomination list for the Academy Awards. Oh boy! I just can’t wait! Take a cue and dream big people!
     I leave with a picture of Saifina at Rashtrapati Bhavan. Check out the look on his face!! He looks as excited as a 2 year old in a candy store! 
                             








Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Bata !

     I am not much of a footwear person. Now, I don’t mean to say I like walking around barefoot. It’s just that I am so not the type who can maintain an exclusive pair of shoes to go well with each dress I buy. I am the kind who will buy 3 or 4 pairs of reliable (read: no pencil heels, no tiny-string stilettos), durable (read- slush about in the rain and they are still intact), goes-well-with-any-dress kinda footwear and leave it at that. And oh yeah, there is also a fancy, high-heeled, diva-like pair meant for occasions that do not demand too much walking ( I would die walking in them!)  Considering the fact that I spend more than half of my life slogging in a cramped cubicle where people don’t have time to scratch their backs, forget checking out other’s footwear, I don’t really get into this matching-coordinating-shoes-n-dress business. So basically, I have a bad case of “guy-like” negligence when it comes to footwear. Guys, if you are shoe-fanatics, don’t take offence! It’s just that most guys I know don’t really care!
     So considering my absolute nonchalance towards footwear NOW, you can imagine what I must have been like as a kid. The ONLY footwear brand I knew as a kid was ‘Bata’. Liberty, Action blah blah was still there, but Bata was a household name. Just like the Maruti 800 among cars and the Bajaj Chetak among scooters. So the black school shoes, the blue and white sports shoes and even the everyday shoes at home were all Bata. Back then, Bata was a no-nonsense, no strings attached kinda footwear company. At one point of time, looking at all the love people had for Bata, I even thought it was an Indian company. Much later did I learn that it was not! But looking back now, I realize there was something very Indian about Bata. It was the most economical, most comfortable and most minimalistic brand of footwear. Very rarely could you find some fancy footwear there. It was all about comfort and minimalism. 
   My tryst with Bata continued until I was old enough to buy my own shoes. From then on, I was no more a Bata loyalist. The collections at Bata did not cater to my needs anymore. As a youngster, your taste is bound to lean over something that is more stylish than comfortable and more outdoor-ish, in-the-wild kinda stuff. Woodlands was the best bet in that category. But yes, I must say, Woodlands was expensive! More so, when you have been wearing Bata all your life ;)
     And then came the Metro, the Mochi, the Sole and poor Bata took a blow. In fact, I don’t remember buying footwear from Bata in a really long time. Even if I did, it was when I needed a comfortable pair of pump shoes for my morning walk in Mandya (the walk did not last for long, but the shoes did J ) . I thought Bata was all but gone, until one day in mid-2007( I think) when a pamphlet arrived with the morning newspaper. Bata was back! Trying to do it’s best to catch up with the new trends, Bata had introduced its line of new designs. Nothing over-the-top, but definitely a far cry from the minimalistic designs Bata was known for. And they had re-discovered their old designs too. Their footwear was now more colorful, looked younger, but, like always, was still very affordable! The Bata logo still makes me feel very nostalgic! It’s a brand I have seen morphing in my times…From tiny footwear shops to 3-level showrooms, Bata has changed and how! The way this brand has re-emerged is truly remarkable..I don’t know about the market gurus and their complicated analysis, but at least for me, I think Bata has really grown from what it used to be!

 










          In the past year, their designs have really taken an upsurge in style and now, if you walk into a Bata showroom, you will see designs that are both stylish and comfortable! There are two things about Bata that still hasn’t changed. Their minimalism and their affordability. Their designs are still understated, yet elegant, and nothing flashy at all! And the cost is still very much easy on the average Indian pocket( old Bata loyalists will beg to differ I know!).Different people have different opinions about the quality though. That is one thing not all can agree upon. The experience differs from person to person, so I will not touch the quality part here!
    This past week, I shopped for something comfortable to wear through the summer. And I found just the perfect thing at the Bata showroom. Now, you may have seen many variants of these close-toe shoes, but this one is ultra-comfortable. Your feet just slip into it and stay there! Plus, it’s ventilated. Tiny holes all around the shoe, it’s so perfect for sweaty summer feet! Considering the fact that I have giant feet ( no wonder I am not much of a shoe person! K), I was pretty surprised when this shoe actually fit :-P Their Hush Puppies (The brand from Wolverine.. I think Bata is marketing this brand in India), ladies’ formal shoes and the glossy peep toes were amazing too. But with their cool-on-the-eyes pastel shades and their ultra-comfortable,simple,no-fuss design, the winner for me is this understated, very girly pair of close-toes that go well with the summer theme and look great on the feet too! And guess what! Carry them home for just 300 bucks!How cool is that! ;)
     Ok, FYI, Bata did not pay me to write this :-P This is just direct dil-se.. Btw, I think no footwear brand has managed to gather as much customer goodwill in India as Bata has. Good for them! Though I have to mention..When you are in the mood for Diva-like dress-up shoes, you are better off hitting the other high-end designer stores.
      What a "sole"-ful post this has been ! ;)


Sunday, April 4, 2010

Varudu - My Review

     Ok, someone please hand me a glass of water. Nah..I am not thristy..I just need to splash some on my face to wake myself up! I am just back from watching “Varudu”, the latest Allu Arjun flick. If you are someone who has seen Arya, Deshamuduru etc, stick around. If you haven’t seen a telugu movie in your life, you are better off not reading this. Just go away.
    Yeah, for the folks who are still here, welcome! Read this and save your money. Better still, save yourself some really nasty torture in the form of “Varudu”, the much hyped saga about a 5-day Telugu wedding that has Allu Arjun gesturing and behaving like a shy brides. Ok, yeah, like most of the people who made it to the theatres, i fell for the posters! Now , when you see a six pack guy, dressed in wedding regalia, complete with a garland in hand, shyly stealing sideward glances towards his bride ( the heroine, whose identity was kept secret until the movie released), you are bound to wonder what it is that makes a macho man go all jelly kneed. And yes, there is another trap too! The trailer promises to treat you to a visual delight by showcasing the traditional 5-day telugu wedding in all it’s grandeur. I am a sucker for wedding rituals! I am the kind who can sit through a traditional 6 hour wedding, doing nothing but watching the rituals. So when a movie promises to show all that and more, you can be sure I will watch it. Girly I know, but what the heck!

      Anyway, using the last remaining bit of the long weekend, I made it to watch “Varudu”. And God, do I regret it or what! The movie is the usual Allu Arjun fare, baring his torso, and wearing pants that make his thighs stick out like giant jelly blobs and of course he has to dance to tunes like a madman. I love this guy ok! Give me his Arya and I can sit and watch it over and over again for an entire day! But this Varudu movie just does not work for him. He takes this “ I will see my bride only on my wedding day” thing too far and stretches it beyond imagination. Now, it would be unfair to say that there are no good moments in the movie at all. As a brand ambassador for the Great Indian Arrange Marriage, when a punk like Arjun Allu professes the virtues of an arranged marriage, asks his parents to find the bride for him and blah blah, there is a teeny weeny bit of me that says “ Ok, yeah, so I am not the only loser who is gonna settle for an arranged marriage”. Also, there is a little dhak-dhak happening when the bride and the groom see each other. But after that initial surge, the movie is a total let down! To sum the rest of the movie, it’s a lot of “Allu Arjun yelling at the villain”, “ Villian delivering loooong dialogues”, some overtly dramatic fights and yes, oh yes, before I forget, there is a liplock. Yes! A liplock in a telugu movie ;) But I must admit, the hero and heroine make the whole thing look so awkward that it’s easier to sit and watch a open heart surgery video than sit through the unnatural, “should-we-do-it-should-we-not” dilemma filled liplock scene :P
       The cinematography is good,music is forgettable except for the title track, which is quite nice on the ears, comedy is non-existent, action is nice and the marriage sequence, though supposed to be the theme of the movie, is all done and finish in a single song :-| But I must admit, whatever they showed of the marriage was really good. You can credit some of that praise to my girly instincts, but really, I think the money I spent on Varudu was just for this song and sequence.
      Allu Arjun, boy, seriously, get over it as soon as you can and go back to what you do best! This shy bridegroom with dreamy eyes thing is seriously not your cup of tea. Since I like you, I will try and save your ass and pass a little blame on the heroine, who I am sure was not inspiration enough for you to act well :-P To see seasoned actors like Suhasini and Brahmanadam being used in “blink-it-and-you-will-miss-it” roles is really sad!
      All in all, this movie is a fantastic idea, all gone wrong! It had all the ingridients to make a tasty meal, but I think too many ideas in the director’s head spoilt the broth, just like the proverbial too many cooks! And a subject that could have very well been the next Tollywood sensation, sadly ends up in the trash can as garbage. And garbage well spent on! I am sure they made good the money they spent on the movie in the first week. Every Gult Uncle,Aunty,Bunty,Babli,Laila,Majnu worth their salt, made a beeline to the movie halls! Sadly, they snored and came back! Allu, please go back to being Arya!
     There! I have successfully saved you some money and better still, some really boring torture in the form of Varudu...What happened to your good manners?! Say thanks!


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