Friday, April 16, 2010

Insurance...The "dead" investment !!

     January and June. I dread these two months! If you are thinking on the lines of weather, you are wrong. January and June are the two months when I have to pay up my Life Insurance Premium K Huge-ass premium!Life insurance is a funny thing.Seriously funny. Imagine having to stash up most of your earnings into something that YOU will never get to enjoy! When my insurance agent coaxed me into buying this policy, I was only thinking about tax evation. Yeah right! Like I know all about tax :p I am the kind for whom filing the tax return every year is an event that is dreaded. I wait for the last moment to fill it up. Only when I run out of the choice to wait, do I drag myself to get it done with. And with such vengeance and hatred, and with such a dreadful frown on my face, that people who happen to see my angry, frustrated face at the Income Tax counter, generally avoid me. I look capable of committing a murder right away!
      So I thought this insurance policy thingy would help me escape coughing up too much tax and thought I should go for it. The guy, the insurance agent,who happens to be my mother’s student’s brother at college, narrated his woes in such a convincing Bollywood-mother ishytle rona-dona, that I thought , “Ok!Screw it, I am going for this policy”. While he happily slurped coffee, making weird rocket-launch noises each time he took the cup to his mouth, I sat there with a demure expression, looking like a matriarch who is signing off all her khaandani property as a donation to some charity organization. Come to think of it, this is exactly what the insurance policy has done to me.
      Half the world, my world that is, knows by now, that I don’t save up. I own a piggy bank (Yes I do) and it is half full and has been that way for more than  a year now. So you can imagine my plight when my LIC Jeevan Anand envelope lands at my home every six months. Why I opted for a premium that made me look like an Ambani descendant is still a mystery I am trying to figure out! I will restrain from quoting the amount here. For two reasons. The younger lot will think I am a fool to have gone for such a huge premium. And the older lot( the kind who make the BIG bucks)will look at the amount and laugh and say “ This is peanuts!”.
       Now, the LIC ads on TV are so laden with emotion and are so heart-wrenchingly made.Especially the old one which shows the scene where Mrs. Khanna gets her daughter married off with her husband’s insurance money, is emotional and informative and enlightening and awakening and all that…But that was Mrs.Khanna for God’s sake! Her husband paid for it. What was the logic behind my insurance policy again? I remember the insurance guy telling me that by the time I am 40, I can go on a world tour, live in the best high-end hotels , eat at all the fancy restaurants and still manage to come back home with enough money to help me sail through my 40s and mid-50s. Oh yeah, all that is right! It makes sense. I can do all that..of course! But what he forgot to mention is that I would have to work my ass off till I was 40, do the world tour with whatever my generous husband (if any) offers to spend, come back home and work my ass off again to make sure I don’t have to live on the streets…Mid-50s did he say? I wonder if any husband worth his salt will keep a woman who tours the world with his money under his roof ever again ( I would not, if I were the husband!). Even if he does, he will repent it. Because, mid 50-s is when women will need the big bucks ( for Botox treatment..teeeeheeeheehee :P)
     So this policy matures when I am 40 something. And if my children happen to take after me by any chance, I can give it in writing that they will sniff the cash from miles away! And if the genetics work right, they can even be clever enough to coax me into handing it over to them on a silver platter. If they have my sense of humour as well, they will even call a photographer to click this event. And if they happen to be as crazy as me, they may even frame the photograph and put it up on the living room hall, write “To Mama, with love” under it, and make it look like they are presenting me that amount as a retirement gift. K
       So dearies, here I am, wondering how to hoard money to pay up my premiums, so that I can ensure I have some cash on me in my 40s (hopefully I will make it there!),just so that my children can afford the luxury of putting up a gold-gilded photo of my fake-retirement gift. Have you ever heard of a yet-to-be-married-forget-being-a-mother who can do such a big sacrifice, just so that her children can live their wicked fantasies?! I beat the LIC-ad-ka-Mrs.Khanna, hands down…Any day!
       I am happy I wrote this. Next time someone asks me , what the hell I was thinking when I opted to pay up this huge premium for my LIC Jeevan Anand policy, I know exactly what to say “Ek 40+ something aurat, ek patni, aur ek maa hone ka kasht, aap kya jaanenge Suresh Babu!” Bwhhahhaaha!
      There is no one who can survive a Bollywood-mummy-type crying episode. Where is my insurance agent? He thinks he is the only one who can put on the Bolly-mummy avatar?! Bring him here! (I have to hunt him down anyway, save me the trouble!)Two more months before I start pinching around to pay my premium! K Keep me in your prayers people! And pray for a rain of cash on me ;)


  1. I too hated to go thru all the process... i decided better of it and paid the tax to govt.... U always seem to be dreaming to get married ??? why so?

  2. so true......even that ppf cannot be drawn for 15 years once you invest in it.....sometimes I feel its better to pay taxes !!!

  3. Aditya Kumar VedulaMay 22, 2010 at 11:34 PM

    i blame my dad for the same situ im in..!! what more..from nxt month im not gonna have a paycheck so hez gonna end up paying for it too..!! :(

  4. @Sarath : You make paying taxes sound cool :P Abt the second part : its more dreading it dude, not dreaming ;)
    @ Lakshmi : Glad you liked it :) PPF, VPF,PF...God!! Why cant they just call it 'money' :-|


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